She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
