the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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