i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
