I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
