I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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