She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
