Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
