I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
