never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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