He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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