I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
