these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
