My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
