Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
