Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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