Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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