sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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