Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
