babies were throwing up all over the place
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
