Someone shit on the floor
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
