is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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