did you get engaged???
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
