how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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