apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
