That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
whose ass print is on the piano?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
