He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
