oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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