My liver just broke up with me...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
