pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
