we're blogging at a bar
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
