Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
