HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
