I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
