Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
