Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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