i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
