i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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