She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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