I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
