i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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