Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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