My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
my penis made a compromise with my morals
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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