I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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