drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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