I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm just crazy horny about you
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
