Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You ruined the universe
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
