my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
