Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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