I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
