your thong is hanging out like whoa
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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